USjournal Student Writer: I don't want to, but I do...

I Don’t Want to, But I Do...

by USjournal Student Writer: Rebecca Darrup, Cross-Country Cowgirl

I’m not sure a semester has ever worn me out as much as this one has. We’re halfway done now, and my time in college is winding down. That’s crazy to think about! It’s been amazing me lately how easily I can get distracted from my long-term goals when I get lost in the little nuances and chaos of every day, and before I know it, time has flown by and I realize I’d better start looking ahead to the next thing. It’s so important to slow down sometimes, and I’m not just talking about crawling on social media for ‘just a minute’ before you start that next project... I wasted quite a bit of time on Facebook before I finally got to work on this!

Rebecca Darrup, Student Writer

As humans, we are occasionally guilty of doing things that we didn’t want to do, just like wasting time scrolling on our phones. How often do we still make the excuse that we did when we were kids: “I didn’t mean to!”

We do something we didn’t intend to, beat ourselves up for doing it and lose more time instead of immediately correcting it, and then what? Sometimes we make the same mistake again, right away. A few weeks ago in church, the title of the message was “Why Do I Do What I Don’t Want To Do?” and it really caught my attention. I am in no position to preach, but just see if this sounds relatable to you. “I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it... I have the desire to do good, but not the power.”

Does that hit you like it hit me? It’s from Romans 7:15-17, which is written by a guy named Paul, one of the last people you’d expect to be one of Jesus’ biggest followers – really imperfect, just like me and you. Sometimes, I feel like I just can’t get it right, no matter what I do, and that’s how Paul was feeling here. The underlying issue is this: We get stuck in a rut and do everything except what we know we need to do to get out. We will all make mistakes, but then what? What happens next?

For me, that’s been a big problem lately. Okay, I didn’t do very well in one practice run. What’s one run, right? But then, I let it affect the next run... and the one after that... and the one after that... you see what I mean?

I do it in my interactions with my teammates and my classmates too, as well as my professors. I am the worst over-thinker you might meet, and although I’m told it doesn’t seem like it, I can get pretty negative and hard on myself pretty quickly. One tiny mistake in the morning can lead to me beating myself up all day, if I’m not really careful. As I’m sure you can imagine, that leads to a vicious cycle: It’s still on my mind at night, so I don’t sleep well, and I wake up doing the same thing the next day. Yucky, right? Life can be overwhelming enough without me making it harder on myself!

Thankfully, if there’s two things I’ve learned since I’ve been at Mesalands Community College, it’s these:

God will send the right thing at the right time
There’s always a way to make something work

Rebecca Darrup, Student Writer

When I can make myself take a deep breath and slow my mind down, there’s a good chance that I don’t need to be panicking about whatever it is that has me so worked up. Having a loose plan and being flexible is usually better than no plan at all (because nothing gets done) or too rigid a plan (because things will go wrong and then what?). Stop and take a minute to be thankful for the small things – a friend who brings you a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day, the duck who’s making friends with your horse when both animals are injured, and the unexpected text from a friend or your mom when you’re nervous. Be thankful for the people who have more faith in you than you do – they can see the things in you that you don’t. On the flip side, though, make sure you make time for what you want to do when other people have so many demands on you because of what they know you are capable of. Just a thought!

Rebecca Darrup, Student Writer

Our college rodeo season started again last weekend, and this is the end of it for me. I should have enough experience and confidence to be competing hard and doing great, right? Yeah... probably. Last weekend, though, I had one of the worst weekends I’ve had in a long time. Thanks to a handful of people, I realized that it could’ve still been worse, and that although I might not qualify to the College National Finals Rodeo, I’ve learned a lot and come a really long way since I was a freshman in college! Did I waste my time completely; did I blow it as a college athlete? Despite the fact that it sort of feels like it, that’s not the truth. I’ve made friends and connections, improved my skills, traveled to incredible places, and learned so many life lessons that I would’ve missed out on otherwise. It doesn’t mean it’s not a frustrating situation, but there’s always something good.

When you make a mistake, and you will, it’s okay. You’re allowed to have a meltdown, you just can’t unpack and stay there. Get back up, forgive yourself, forgive the one who wronged you, and keep on keeping on. Then comes the extra hard part – let it go. Don’t bring it back up, let the past stay in the past. It’s hard, and sometimes a little reflection on a mistake isn’t so bad because you remember what you learned, but then you have to let go of it. Otherwise, it will keep eating at you, wearing you out, and you have so much more to do than regret things!

God has a plan for you and it is good. It won’t wear you out, but leave you feeling content, tired but satisfied. You’ve got to do the best you can with what you have and where you’re at, and that’s all you can do. You won’t always do exactly what you want to do, but you have the strength to adapt and overcome.

Rebecca Darrup, Student Writer